Why you don't like help when it would make your life so much easier and 4 steps to change it
We live in a world full of human-made constructs. Not buildings, my dears, but beliefs. Things like “the right way”, “what you’re supposed to”, “role model”, and labels all shape our reactions to human-made things. Take a second with me to recognize how much of your day is focused on human-made things as opposed to the reality of the whole planet Earth and beyond.
When we think of our natural tendency of needing help, we recognize that strong, popular, successful people have a way of doing it all on their own… Or do they? As I mentioned in my imposter syndrome article, people we think of having it all together regularly doubt themselves, too.
In all cases, heroes of every story have triumphed purely from their sheer will and determination… Or did they? In every hero story we can think of, there is a wise old teacher, books the hero pours over, a best friend that does the dirty work, or a loss so great that the hero uses the memory as a powerful boost to their willpower.
We’re social creatures, hardwired for collaboration set in our hunter-gatherer days where unity was our only assurance for survival. What gives us thoughts of “should”s and “the right way” (also known as a scarcity mindset)? Funnily enough, it’s survival. According to the polyvagal theory that gives us a nicely packaged explanation for our reaction to threats (flight, fight, or freeze), it seems like in a mode of survival (aka scarcity) we get really focused on executing the most obvious approach.
But, bubu, are you in the game of the most obvious approach?
You’re in the game of innovation, creativity, human connection, and collaboration. And those things need help from other humans.
1. Recognize that struggle is your comfort zone
Here are three ways to see if your ego is hijacking your chance of true innovation through collaborative relationships.
“I will hurt for you”
You may decline help because you’re the strong one – it’s your identity. Asking someone else to struggle the way you do seems selfish at best. You may decline help because the feeling of someone thanking you is too good to give to someone else. It’s a popular myth that you can only get true recognition by struggling through weakness instead of serving from strengths.
“I can’t”
You may decline help because the effort of being the solution-person is too big a responsibility. The goal is too big and unwieldy for you to even start thinking about, so how in the world could you put into words what you’d need from others? This can also be tied to perfectionism where no one else can get to the standard that you know it should be. Obviously, you can’t trust anyone else with this.
“I told you so”
Once you give it a go and try to ask for help, you are disappointed and nothing got done. This always happens when someone else tries to get involved, it just isn’t right. Resentment, blame, and isolation bubbles up in you, keeping you in your comfort zone of lonely struggle.
2. Be aware of reasons to get out of this comfort zone
You are lying
Going it alone is a lack of integrity. You are living in secrecy that you don’t need help and you can handle it all on your own. Then, on a weekend when all your friends are out creating memories, you feel resentful or arrogant that you can’t do the same. Read that again and let me know how many human-constructed beliefs are packed in that paragraph.
You are selfish
Saying it will go faster if you do it is a cop-out. By taking “control” of the outcome, you also take away power from people who want to help you. This is understandable. Power and the illusion of control gives a rush of “I have it all together”. Until you don’t. It all comes crashing down from one week of procrastination and then you start the cycle all over again: Power rush, collapse, blame, victimhood, back to being a “hero”, and then enjoying the power rush.
You lack a connection to reality
I have a quote I go back to regularly:
Don’t worry about being in control, because you never were.
If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s how powerless we are to things out of our control. That’s reality. We get so comfortable in our illusions of control, that when realistic statistics hit our lives, we chalk it up to bad luck. This is not bad luck, it’s probability. The secrecy you use in lying and being selfish also ignores the reality of your hardwired humanness. We are at our best when we are united. Allow me to bring up a memory of one of the greatest scholarly works on human connection, Inside Out by Disney and Pixar, where (no spoilers) sadness turns out to be pretty helpful in reminding us what makes us human.
You weren’t wired for this
You are hard-wired for social connection and narrative. It’s why marketers get paid big money when they utilize channels like influencers, podcasting, and video. We need to see real faces to feel trust and get influenced in our decisions. Storytelling is the strongest threat that links us to our ancestors. Neither of these things are possible without other people.
3. You will fail at receiving help – Yay 🎉
It’s a muscle you never used before
A couple of myths debunked, here’s the big one: We as humans are wired to be curious and joyful. There’s so much to say about the vulnerability of joy and how today’s world convinces us to not get too happy because something bad will happen. Given that, let’s focus on curiosity. We can see it clearly in babies being learning machines. Can you imagine the magnitude?! In two years they learn a language without knowing what language is in the first place. Wild.
When we’re in that survival mindset of “the right way”, we have have deactivated our curiosity of what could be. This is the root of your frustration in receiving “wrong” help when you need it most. I’m going to take a guess that you always ask for help when you need it most because you didn’t bother reaching out earlier.
Different ways of executing
In respect for curiosity, your first times asking for help will rub you the wrong way because it’s not being done “the right way”. However, we just covered all the reasons “the right way” isn’t the only way. You will blame me for little things getting missed when you ask for help. Go for it, I can take it.
Different awareness of factors or values
Especially in a work setting, you will be asking for help from those junior to you. I have full hope that their awareness of details, factors, values, and focus will be very different than yours. I have high hopes of this because it wouldn’t make sense for them to be your juniors otherwise. The first times you ask for help, you will forget to frame your ask with these key details.
Ego amnesia
I learned this concept from Heather Dominick, my business mentor. In a powerful effort to keep you in your comfort zone of struggle, your ego will block out memories, information, and commitments that will get you curious about a new way of doing things. This aligns really well with my own mantra of “willpower is stupid”. You can’t even ask for help alone 😂
To counter this, I advise setting up reminders or flags for when you do ask for help and to bring your awareness to the process of strengthening this muscle.
4. Set up a helpful environment
Do you judge yourself for needing help?
It’s hard for us to be aware of all the beliefs about ourselves. The amount of thoughts we have in a minute are so fast that it can be unclear if our decisions are coming from our own beliefs, adopted beliefs, or societal beliefs. Here are a couple of ways that can support you.
Take note if you judge the people who ask for your help
Judgement is simply is a way we categorize. Judgements may be problematic, but for this specific exercise it’s important to be aware of what you think of people who ask for your help. Are they weaker than you? Less capable? Sillier? More selfish? Whatever you notice is probably what you secretly think of yourself when you need help.
Write openly about how you judge yourself for needing help
On a paper with a pen, be as open as possible with yourself about the last time you tried to ask for help or what you need help with now. Write about what’s bothering you about the situation, what you’d like to happen, and all the ways it’s not possible. You may pinpoint sentences that indicate Step 1 above.
Do you accept help openly in any form?
The same way, say, you receive and accept responsibility… Do you find yourself super eager to say “Yes!” when you’re asked to do something? If you do, do you have that same excitement when someone offers up help? What I’ve noticed is open acceptance of responsibility and help are usually inversely correlated.
Do people perceive themselves as able to help you?
You’re the strong one and the one that can handle it. It would only make sense that others around you see you this way. If this is the case, it makes sense why asking for help will leave folks feeling confused about how to help you or how you would need something.
You may accidentally bully people when you speak to them the same way you speak to yourself. After all, when you need help for yourself as the “hero”, you probably won’t take a bubble bath first. Guess how much people want to help a bully 😐
You may forget to tell people why they’re able to help you. If you subscribe to the idea of “strong” and “heroic” as laid out here, you may not tell people what you admire about them because you’re jealous and are determined to be as good without any help.
Is your ask being received accurately?
Remember, you never used this muscle before. It makes sense that you wouldn’t know how to put the words together, frame it, and then remind the person you’re asking that they’re your first choice for support. That’s a lot to do! On top of that, who knows what perception they have of themselves, of you, of the factors, of the how… There’s so much room for miscommunication.
Here are a few prompts to find out if they received your ask correctly:
… So that’s what I need, do you have any ideas of how you could help?
… So that’s what I need, can you tell me how you’d take it on?
… So that’s what I need, and I don’t normally ask for help, so can you tell me what you understood?
Are you ready to keep practicing?
That’s the key here. We’re talking about a mindset shift of huge proportions. Being vulnerable, being open, being curious… None of these things can happen overnight. It’s stepping into a whole new way of presenting yourself to the world. Do let me know how it goes 😍